Supporting a Woman, after a Miscarriage

My Story:   MARCH 2021:  This article does not focus on the types the symptoms and medical aspects of miscarriage, instead it's focus is on healing and when possible, trying again to conceive.  I am a mother of 2 children, and 3 angel babies.  

• I never named my first angel, a baby boy.  
• I had named my second angel, Alexandria, a girl.  
• My Last angel baby was named Quinn.   He was to be born March 23, 2006.    

Writing this article in March is one of the ways I memorialize my angel babies.  Service and comfort to other Mom's who suffer helps me do something positive in one of the most difficult times.   I am here to share from my heart, that for as much as this hurts now, it will get better. 

There is nothing so exciting as the first time you discover you are going to be a parent.   There is nothing quite so heart breaking as feeling this little life grow in you, living in wonder of the magic of pregnancy, and then losing the baby.  

If my experience may offer you comfort, please feel free to reach out to me.   I am actually writing this as comfort to a mother who has just lost her baby to miscarriage.   I put my virtual arms around her, and pray for her recovery. I then promised to write this help guide. 

Miscarriage is traditionally a very private, personal experience. What it takes to recover is as unique as we are.  There are many things we can do to explore the options.  This article is written for the mother who has lost her first child.  Our feelings on this first loss are often a range of emotions, as tragic as this feels, the range of emotions that come to us, must be felt and thus are all necessary to grieve and heal: 

• anger for being so excited to bring this life into the world, and have it end before its time. 
• frustration for feeling the huge set back, the hopelessness and the sorrow of the loss of life
• fear that something horrible is wrong and you just want a happy family
• guilt for overthinking what you could have done differently to avoid this horrific event
• worry life may never be the same again
• hope that you can put this behind you and try again

Too often well intentioned people will tell you "not" to feel a certain way.    I am here to give you permission and even encourage you to please feel what you must. Grief is a cycle, and if you honor letting this take its course, it is better than denying the pain of the loss exists.   

FACTS ABOUT MISCARRIAGE:

Miscarriages are much more common than people realise. A known pregnancy followed by miscarriage, occurs in 1 in 8 pregnancies. 

It is unknown how many women have missed miscarriage events happen.  A missed miscarriage is when the woman loses her baby,  without ever knowing she was pregnant. 

WHAT SHOULD WE DO TO RECOVER ? 

PHYSICAL 

1. Women must give ourself physical, mental, and emotional time to heal. 
2. Get lots of rest, especially for the first days.
3. Every evening, check your temperature for a week, seek medical care if your temperature is above 100° F / 37.77° C. 
4. Expect heavy bleeding  greater than a menstrual period for a few days.  It is normal to have mild cramping for several days.  Use pads and change frequently.  If you normally use tampons, do not resume using them until your bleeding tapers off, and then, change them minimally every 8 hours.
5. Call your doctor for any severe pain as well.  In your routine checkups  discuss nutritional/health recommendation for supplements and birth control during recovery. 
6. Your body must heal.  Do not resume intercourse until the bleeding has stopped.  Use birth control or natural planning to not try to get pregnant at this time.   
7. Consider natural self care health supplements, and pregnancy vitamins,  that can help you to heal, and prepare your body for when you are ready to try again.  

TRYING TO CONCEIVE AGAIN AFTER MISCARRIAGE

Physical Recovery of the body before trying to conceive is 3-6 Months. 

During this time, here are the steps you can take to have a healthy baby. Here are some tips to boost fertility after a miscarriage. 

1. Allow your menstrual cycle to regulate before trying to conceive.  It will take physically 3-6 months to reset, but the time you have before you try again can be invested in creating the best conditions for you and your baby's well being. 
2. Exercise will strengthen your confidence, improve your condition for childbirth, and offer feel good endorphins. 
3. Discontinue unhealthy behaviors. Regain control of anger, emotional issues, anxiety. Reduce caffeine intake, any alcohol or drug use.  
4. Reduce stress and meditation.  Focusing on breathing will help you to recover, and prepare your body.  Visualize perfect health of yourself and your baby.   Breath in wellness and goodness, breath out anxiety, stress, sorrow, guilt and anger. 
5. Eat a pregnancy diet friendly meal to boost your fertility and pregnancy nutritional readiness. 
6. Take pregnancy supporting vitamins and supplements.  
7. Why did I put this again?  Because there is nothing we want more than a baby after a loss.  It is too common to try to try again immediately.   Do not rush to try to conceive.   Instead focus all energy on creating conditions to conceive successfully.   Taking time to become your best and healthiest self will help improve you and your child's chances.  

Support Groups: 

• TTC After Miscarriage & Loss 

 EMOTIONAL RECOVERY TIPS

Take care of yourself. Give yourself time and permission to grieve. 

• Remember to relax and eat well-balanced meals. 

• Organize a couples or private SPA Self Care Day to pamper, eat healthy, and rejuvenate   

• Journal about your feelings, create art, or volunteer to help the less fortunate families with children 

Ask for what you need. If you are feeling sad, ask your partner or a friend to listen to you. If you feel ill, ask for whatever will make you more comfortable.

 

Discuss your experience with a professional. You can talk with another mother who has experience the loss,  your family doctor or nurse, or midwife. Social workers are also available to help you. 

• Miscarriage Support Group Online Group 
• Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Groups - Rachel's Gift   offers Zoom meetups during Covid.  Also provides a USA state by state list of resources
• Miscarriage Support Group on Facebook
• Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support  
• Pregnancy Loss, Stillbirth & Miscarriage Support Group👣💜
• Miscarriage Mamas Group
• 💙Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group💖 and hotline for emergency support
• Miscarriage Matters to Mothers

Organize a memorial ritual to comfort you in your loss. The goal is to give meaning to this moment, to allow you to feel it and grieve it.   If you are a person of faith, a religious service or small personal memorial can help you and others express the grief you feel.  On my first loss, I did not perform a ritual, and I felt like those around me were trying to encourage me not to feel.  My breasts were creating milk, and my baby was not living, the pain was deep.     On my miscarriages that follow, I organized rituals for them.   I named them, I remember them and I honor them as I do my own kids.  I bought little memorial ornaments that I would bring out as decoration.  At the top of a Christmas Tree, we had memorial ornaments near the angel, for each child, with the date. 

My son Quinn required a special memorial as I knew it would be my last pregnancy and there was no more trying again.  I loved him, he made it to the second trimester, and past the danger zone, then stopped living.  To this day I grieved not just his loss, but a continued desire to be a mother.   Being a Mom and caring for these lives kept me so alive and vital.   Here is the letter I wrote to memorialize my son: 

Happy Heavenly birthday Baby Quinn. Few knew or honored your life, but you were loved. You are my son

You were growing and healthy, I did not expect to have a baby and started showing far far before I wanted the world to know. With my angel baby Alexandria up in heaven, I wanted to make sure. How relieved I was when I saw you and heard your heart beat, when I still saw and heard your heart beat into the second trimester "Safe Zone"

You were due on the 23 of March 2006, but you left us in August of 2005 the day Hurricane Katrina hit the gulf coast. I had empty arms, broken heart, and yet on the day you became an angel, I donated the pretty maternity clothes to relief organizations in the gulf area. people who lost their home,and everything but their babies. I donated your nursery, the breast pump, the fancy baby bottles, I bought diapers and formula because it felt like if I took care of THOSE babies, I honored your life.

No one else might remember, but I will remember you forever, I bought a beautiful Christmas Ornament and we put it at the top of the tree with the angel every year. I have explained all about you and Alexandria.

 

 

A-Z Healthcare | COVID Center of Excellence | Global Health and Wellness COE | Executive Womens Network |  PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome and Miscarriage |

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